 |  20/4/00
Baskets to brighten - hurrah for the princely sum of 35 squid the
council will provide you with a flower basket. Deputy Mayor
Irene Balls (seriously!) said "with a little effort on everyone's
part we could enhance Haywards Heath - give it a boost and, make it
more welcoming place for shoppers and vistors to the town."
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| 01/4/00
Unibrow - we rarely see in our travels the uni brow that is when
both eye brows meet above the bridge of the nose with additional
facial hair, but if you care to look at the picture board of the
managers in our local Sains, there's a guy with a Unibrow!!! And
he looks like that in real life. This is made all the funnier if
you've seen Austin Powers The Spy who Shagged Me. My Paolo
Arcangelo someone has beaten your unibrow! |
| 30/3/00
Fuggin' Heath FM - Hurrah there's a battle for the airwaves of the
Heath with a number of concerns sniffing an opportunity to make money
out of boring Heath listeners with some easy listening tunes.
The contenders -
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Dolphin 106.4FM (Geddit?!!
Dolphin Leisure Centre, Dolphin Health Centre... errr The Dolphin
Pub - another potential confusing aquatic mammal based name to
confuse Heathians). Backed with the celebrity heavy weights
of errr Derek "Do they mean me" Jameson (the
daft coot!). |
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Media Sound, like a Phoenix rising
out of the CSR FM (Callum May check this out) ashes, hopes to
whoop some ass with the almighty backing of Jimmy Hill, Dame Vera
Lynn and the Soames. |
|
| 30/3/00
Radnor Luxury - An insider tells us that the Radnor House
development by the station (you know someone wanted a nightclub there)
is not that great.... well at £90K a piss and with crap parking and
location, well would you? |
| 30/3/00
Sex Change Store? - Hurrah the tackification of Heath continues,
as rumours abound of the "Officers Club" to replace Hamells
in the Orchards. To those who do not know what this fine store
is - it is renowned for its all year round "sales" at 70%
off retail price!!!! A kind of Eissenegger for less Crawley type
people! |
| 23/3/00
Totaling the Toads - well if you have too much free time on your
hands call Denise Caulfield on 01273 476626 and count some toads with
the Sussex Ouse Conservation Group. And if you are remotely
tempted..... GET A LIFE!!! |
| 26/3/00
Business as Usual - Lindfield Rover are being quite upbeat despite
the withdrawal of BMW's financial backing from Rover. So long
Fritz, we don't need you.... errr two world wars and errr one
world cup (we'll conveniently ignore any other football tournaments). |
| 26/3/00
Iain O'Donnell News - well there should be some... in fact what
the hell is he upto these days? If you prescribe to any of his
existing social circles, send us updates now. The last we heard,
he was just getting over his "function specific" clothing
phase! |
| Haywards
Heath 2 Bosham 3 - shit isn't it... that's the score from the
local footy Division Three thing. It's shit cos' I've been to
Bosham and its a nice village a little bigger than the council house
infested Lindfield. But really, they beat the Heath, god we are
soooooo shit! |
| 09/3/00 Millennium Plans - apparently the councillors are pulling out all
the stops!!! They're going to kick off with and wait for it
folks ..... NEEDLECRAFT!!!, some sort of tea thing err.... errr....
PANTS!!! COME ON!!!! |
|
|
16/3/00
Found on the net, cos we were bored Wednesday, August 4,
1999 Published at 15:20 GMT 16:20 UK![[ image: Jocasta and Gay Fearns got up at 5am to wish the Queen Mother happy birthday]](images/_411950_jocasta150.jpg) |
British was the word that Jocasta
Fearn, 25, used to sum up the spirit of the Queen Mother.
Accompanied by her mother, Gay,
and clutching bouquets from their Haywards Heath garden, she
said: "We are here to show that we support the Royal Family
and that there are still people out here who love them and
believe in them.
"The Queen Mother is the
head of the household - the others do a very good job as well -
but she shows the spirit of the country, the resilience to keep
going throughout the worst times and the best times.
"She keeps smiling through
it all, which is what being British is all about."
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|
| 13/1/99
Hurrah a bumper ad for the Clair Hall's events appeared in
the local press recently!! Finally we can bring a touch of class
to the dreary night life of the Heath, read on my compadre's:-
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Bond - The World is Not Enough
- experience the visual feast of Bond 19 on less than THX
equipment on the 27th Jan 2000 - the tag line "Bond is
Back!"
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Geno Washington and the Ram Jam
Band - its another rhythm and blues band... apparently they
are promising a "Stokin" evening on the 28th Jan 2000 -
the tag line "don't miss it!"
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Sooty's Magic Factory 11th
Feb 2000 - watch Richard Cadell stuffs his sweaty paw in a yellow
and black mit... then watch him do the same thing with a Sooty
puppet (Ho!) Apparently guest starring Sweep, Soo and that
Little Cousin SCAMPI!
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Counterfeit Stones 27th Feb
2000- hmmmm I wonder who they're a tribute band for eh? And
way you can catch their "Jumpin' Jack Flash Tour" right
here right now in Heath world!
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Three other Tenors 5th March
2000 - WHO? apparently they are from the Welsh National
Opera - bring your sheep and lumps of coal!
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Ludwig Beatles 17th March
2000 - another tribute band!!!! Hurrah not as good as the
fantastic four (I personally like Thing - "Its Stomping
Time!").
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The Nualas 23 March -
"Shimmering Goddesses of Irish Comedy, hmmm.... show me
what they look like!!!!
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Dennis Locorriere 2nd April 2000 -
WHAT?!!?? Apparently the voice of Dr Hook.....
WHO???!!!! apparently back due to popular demand..... from
WHO!!??!?!!
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PHIL COOL!!! 5th April 2000
- he's back on a second whirlwind plasticine faced comedic
extravaganza of the Heath.... Please someone ask him, did
Phil Cool lose his Cool and when can we expect another series!!!
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If you are interested in any of
these errrrr varied events call the Hall on 01444 455440!
NICE!
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|
| 13/1/00
Bouncy Castle Lost - Police are eager to track down the
whereabouts of a children's bouncy castle!!! If you spot the
blue and pink castle with pictures of clowns (what the millennium dome
organisers?) playing musical instruments (yes I know there are plenty
of those about!) Please contact PC Steve Boyle of Burgess Hill
police!
|
| 18/12/99
Xmas Shopping Fiasco - We thank the selfish businessmen and women
in their shirts and ties, who parked their cars in the all day free
xmas shopping spaces. Thank you very much your greed and
selfishness only serves to prove how inherently sad you all
are!!! "But I must park my Tigra here" Anyway
thanks for moving into HH, just means that we locals have to move out
'cos you rich selfish good for nothin's have managed to push up
property prices and ruin our town. Now that's off our collective
chests - bugger off!! I'm fed up with cabbage water, its not
enough!
|
| 18/12/99
Saint Pierre Revisited "GEEEEEEENNNNIUSSS" - Hmmm, a
comedy genius wrote on the board up frontage of said burnt out
establishment "Sex Toys R Us coming soon".
GEEEEENNNNNIIUUUSSSS, we need more people like you!!!
|
| 2/12/99
Non to market - looks like no french market for Burgees,
apparently over some confusion over permission, we salute the Council
for standing up to all things French!!
|
| 2/12/99
The Blair Bitch Project - Tony Blair has not decided to reprieve Mid Sussex from its housing nightmare. Yet another turn around
by Mr Blairs.... apparently a Downing Street spokesperson said that
misleading newspaper reports had "over cooked" the story,
errrr doesn't that happen to be our local Middy perchance?
|
| 11/99
- "Dave Baker is Shit" On the side of the Oxfam
shop in South Road for the past few years there has been some graffiti
proclaiming some one's shitness (picture to come later!) If
anyone can elaborate on why this person is errr for want of a better
word not good, then please tell us... we're dying to find out!
|
| 11/99
- The World is Not Enough - bored of the Heath? Than go and
watch a movie... yes Bond is back and his first shag is within the
first 20 minutes (NICE!)
|
| 11/99
- Saint Pierre - Arson!!! - The Broadway never ceases to amaze
with its bizarre goings on's. Earlier in the year we had a
pissed off shift worker brandishing an air pistol on the roof tops,
which led to the evacuation of the French Market. to that mad
woman and her chums shouting run Forest run to a chap running to the
HSBC cashpoint. And now the burning of the Saint Pierre Bistrot!
Allegedly arson...
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| 20/8/99
Jo Brand - yes Haywards Heath continues to attract the stars who
are at the nearing the end of their car-rears. The fat
comedienne (pardon my french) saunters down to the Clair Hall, for her
unique brand of vulgar unfunny "cake" this, "cake"
that humour in October.
|
| 29/07/99
Drink Warning - If you are a minor and intend to drink feckin'
drink! Then watch out, 'cos the rozzers are going to bust your
collective asses if you're caught! Yes and your alcohol will be
poured away, oh and you maybe arrested and taken home to your
folks.....
|
| 24/6/99
Paul Young - laid his hat at our very own Clair Hall (whilst the
Martlets has the pick of Beverly Craven and David "Hutch"
Soul!). I guess our town is a place for all old pop stars to go
out to pasture?
|
| 24/6/99
Burgess Hill - attention appears to be shifting to the Hill in
terms of it's well, hmm.... not so greatness. Well that's the
general persuasiveness of the Middy's news team. If that wasn't
enough they are continuing the theme through to the "those were
the days" when 10 years ago, they reported that the the "At
the moment we are living in a stench in Burgess Hill". Well
that's err a nice fact to share...
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6/6/99 Gun Drama At Market -
Haywards Heath now has the annual french market which is not so
bad. Okay the prices are bad, but it's nice to have a bit of
culture despite the fact it's french and we had to help them out in
WW2. Anyhow that's beside the point, the point is that an idiot
thought it would be funny to point his air rifle at the street (the
Broadway) below. So the area had to be evacuated, police SWAT
teams and a helicopter were called in. Anyway the idiot gots his
butt busted and due to appear in court. We salute you sir, for
being a stoopid idiot!
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5/6/99 Nice one, Simon
Coleman writes:
Hiya,
If HH is the heart of mid sussex, that
must make burgess hill somewhere near the anus :-)
And the sign outside the Princess Royal
has dissappeared . . .
Come on you Burgies stick
up for your town, we know it can't all be shell suits and wideboys...
that was the early 90s!! - (ED)
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| 6/5/99 Suede's Flight - Brett
Anderson's been at it again, no matter where he goes he disses the
Heath - whats really there to diss ;-). Anyway this is what he
said in an interview with The Times "It's got no history and no
community. When you're there, it's just dead time."
Although he dropped out of Manchester University and then went to UCL
the toffee nosed idiot then goes on to say "I wanted to get as
far away from Haywards Heath as possible".
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| 15/4/99 Paul Gosling News - he's been found!!!
Well he found me with my ready meals at the checkout at the breeze (see Gloss for
that one). Apparently he left school became a sheet metal worker is engaged and has
two sprogs.... well I think that's what he said. Anyway we salute you and all
your friends in the Franklynns Village area!
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| 15/4/99 Local Elections - damn you
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| 15/4/99 Triangle Safety Defended - damn you Queen,
you've opened a death trap!!! well management are denying this... damn you God why
did you allow this to happen!
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| 15/4/99 Man indecently exposes himself - wot?
Apparently in his late teens the flasher goes around asking the time and flashing
at women. And then he runs away towards Sainsbury's - giving a whole new meaning to
the meat and two veg conundra and the phrase "keep em peeled"
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| 1/4/99 Just a Perfect Day - the Queen
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