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Everybody Needs Haywards Heath

A topical and shameless rip off of Baz Luhrmn's Sunscreen Song.

Everybody Needs Haywards Heath?


Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '99 
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, 
Haywards Heath would be it.
The long term benefits of Haywards Heath have been proved by commuters who have moved down from London,
whereas the rest of my advice has no basis 
more reliable than my own meandering experience
I will dispense this advice now. 

Enjoy the power and beauty of sprog fuse; 
oh never mind; you will not 
understand the power and beauty sprog fuse
until the council paint the graffiti back over.
But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of your school days
and recall in a way you can't grasp now 
how so little has really changed and 
how unspectacular your friends who moved to London really looked.
You're not as interesting as you imagine. 

Don't worry about the future (unless your future lies with Lloyds); 
or worry (that your career lies with Europ Assistance), but know that worrying is as effective 
as trying to become manager of the B2 who has to put up with the kids 
across the road with their drum & bass. 
The real troubles in your life
are going to The Star and moaning that the ratio of men to women is 50:1
the kind of ratio that makes The Burrell a good place not to enjoy yourself.

Do one thing everyday that you do normally everyday.

Moan
Don't hang around in the Dolphin eating on a Friday night
don't put up with people who pack you local eateries and drinking holes, as they're 
on another 4 month holiday from University.

Brighton 

Don't waste your time on Sainsbury's;
sometimes you find a multibuy,
sometimes you find Budgens is better value
shopping for your groceries is long, and in the end,
the person in front of you at the Express checkout has more than 10 items.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults;
if you succeed in doing this, tell me how. 

Keep your old Mid Sussex Times, throw away your old Citizens

Laundry

The Progress Launderette that's progress for you
feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life
the most interesting people I know didn't know during their GCSE's
what they wanted to do with their lives,
some of the most interesting pensioners I speak to in the shopping queue still don't. 

Goto the Linden Tree. 
Be kind to the children,
you'll miss your hubcaps when they're gone. 

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, 
maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, 
maybe you'll divorce at 40,
maybe you'll freak out in your Marks & Spencer's jumper at the mundane lifestyle you hold within the status gang
what ever you do,  congratulate yourself as every one else will
berate you either your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can (since we don't have a red light district)
don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it,
it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.. Unless you can play a guitar and play Battle of the Bands

Dance in your own living room, there are no night clubs and even that Radnor House project fell through.  Shout abuse whilst drinking your special brew, yes Bernadette.

Read the directions, as you'll soon get caught in the one-way traffic light complexes even if you don't intend to follow them. Queues Likely.

Do NOT read Computer magazines, they will only prove you are ugly. 

Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be home from work.

Be nice to your siblings; 
they are the best link to your past and the people 
most likely to stick with you in the future. 

Understand that friends come and go,
but for the precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps between here and Brighton/London geography in lifestyle
because the older you get,
the more you need the people you knew when you were young. 

Live in London once,
but leave before it makes you hard;
live in Crawley once,
but leave before it makes you a wide boy. 

Alloys. 

Accept certain inalienable truths, nothing will beat a kicking set of alloys when you stop at the lights outside the Star, 
politicians will always seek the Mid Sussex Times,
you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize 
that when you were young you could get away with a lot more, 
politicians kissed babies and children did not wear Nike.

Respect your elders. 

Don't expect anyone else to support you unless you make a claim on the state.
Maybe your rich parents,
maybe you have a wealthy spouse;
but you never know when either one might run out. 

Don't mess too much with your hair, you're hair is rapidly receding and don't try to reclaim it as a pony tail as this makes you look like a girl.
 
Be careful whose advice you buy,
but, be patient with those who supply it. 
Advice is a form of nostalgia, 
dispensing it is a way of realizing that your place of work 
is no different from your friends workplace.  Just the salaries differ.
 
But trust me on Haywards Heath.